For a moment I was worried...

For a moment this morning, scanning through the birth notices, I both feared and rejoiced. I feared we may have to shut up site because there was a proliferation of normal names appearing one after another. All the Matthews and Jacks and Elizas and Kates. Despite the fear of the end of our amusing distraction, I also rejoiced for all these lucky kids.

But, as you may have predicted, both the fear and the joy were premature, thanks to:

Trae Jaylen and his big brother Koby.

One boy who is going to curse his parents every time he fills out a form is Hunter William Alfred Salvatore Gordon Robert [surname]. Perhaps they realised that Hunter was not the best name to brand him with and so wanted to give him a large number of options to adopt in its place? (However William is out in that regard as it also appears to be the name of both Hunter’s father and older brother.)

Also, there seems to be an increasing number of Brocks appearing on the scene. Now sure, I’m willing to admit it’s probably an actual name, but it just screams soap opera character (and I’ve watched enough that I ought to know, sadly) or adopted porn name to me.

Another trend noticed: the increasingly common and what I assume is CSI-influenced spelling of Jorja.

Is Tomato Next?

Usually my policy is not to criticise the use of actual names just because I don’t like them. As remi said in her very first post, a name generally needs to fall into one of three categories to make it on to this site: normal names spelled ridiculously, names of any kind in unfortunate combinations, or words, made up or otherwise, masquerading as names.

However, there’s one more category that seems appropriate after glancing at today’s notices. Themes.

Take for example the family that just welcomed twin girls. Scarlett. Okay in and of itself. Poppy. Also fine providing you don’t pair it with something silly (like, as a totally random example *cough*Jamie Oliver*cough*: “Honey”). Poppy and Scarlett. Okay, thematic, probably acceptable for twins. But it’s their big sister Ruby Rose that pushes the family over the line that divides quirky from obsessed.

Also, because last week’s Ayden wasn’t enough, today we have Aidyn. Way to make a perfectly nice boy’s name look as feminine as possible.

You say Cadence, I say what the hell?

Where has this name sprung from? In the past day alone, we've seen (or more accurately, cringed at) these *unique* spellings of:

Kaydince, Kaydance, Caydence

And the male version:

Caydan, Kaydyn, Caden, Kaddyn

What the hell?

Wouldn't "Deer" Have Been Easier?

I ventured from the Australian birth notices into the wilds of birth notices from New England and found the following recent “joys”.

Caraboo Grace. Named after a 19th Century British hoax or a big loping deer with “creative” spelling applied because the name wasn’t creative enough on its own? Either way it’s wrong and I hope she chooses to go by Cara rather than Boo.

Kaydince. We want to emphasise the flow and rhythm of the name, but we really need to get both a “k” and a “y” in there and to remove any potential reference to her being dense.

Which brings us to the twins. The naming of these twins leads me to believe that one of two things happened. Either the mother didn’t know she was having twins, and when the second baby, a little girl, was born Mum was overwhelmed, or Mum thought she was having more than two babies and when it turned out to be only twins she didn’t know what to do with the other names. How else do you explain fortunate young Owen Stephen and his unfortunately over-burdened sister Marykatelyn May? And if you’re going to squeeze three normal names into one, why the middle name? Surely Marykatelynmay would have worked just as well.

How do you spell that?

From birth notices both Australian and US

Children destined to repeat ad nauseum: 'No, it's actually spelt...' Sharlotte, Linzee, Baylen, Kennedi Makayla, Myranda, Khloey Aleece, Saydee Alysabeth, Kaydance

Add random syllables together and call it a name, why don't you? Jelsey Jacole, Merribeth Renea, Zaylin DeWayne

Don't forget the random punctuation and intraword capitalisation: Caydence BreAnn, Jae'Leigh RaShun, De'Monta Tyvon,

Beau Marka I guess Texta was already taken. BTW I'll take anyone's guess as to whether this is a girl or a boy (no, I don't know either).

Willow Pandora Loveday a sister for Mungo and Fergus

Maibe Xrystina Aleaha Maybe this is cruel

From an article entitled 'Canadian quints call Kingwood home' we sourced this happy family: Zuri, Kiza, Anya, Rhys and Kipp. Five kids in the family probably means stringent rationing of toys, food and letters in names.

Alicia has a lot to answer for

Adding “cia” to the end of a girl’s name does not automatically make it more pretty or sophisticated. Just ask Kalecia.

Godzilla ahoy

Talon Raef
I did a bit of research on this one, because I couldn't believe that anyone would actually want to name their child after the sharp hooked claw of a bird of prey, but hell, I was wrong. Apparently, it's a boy's name shared by 2,900 people in the US. #650 for 2002 on the Soc. Sec. top 1000 baby names. Has been in the top 1000 since 1992 (according to that fount of wisdom Alternative Baby Names). Scary. What's next, Godzilla?

Jaxson How many ways *are* there to spell this name?

Saige Because if you add another letter, it won't be a herb any more?

Pick of the bunch

Our most deserving name of the day will henceforth be designated with this little star, until we come up with something better.




Our sincere congratulations to Jaymz, our inaugural winner.

It was a typo, right? Riiighht?

On this kind of grey winter morning we welcome into the world the following poor, unfortunate souls:

Brock Oskar. Charlie Delta India Echo?

Tylah. What, you weren’t aware it was the female spelling of Tyler?

Zacc. I’m really, really hoping that this was just a typo.

Egan Taj. Egad!

Twins Kaiden and Kye. At least young Kye won’t be alone, there seems to be a proliferation of young 'Kye's running around in the world these days, though apparently not so many 'Kai's. And a belated welcome to their big sister Taneisha.

And finally, today’s favourite, the truly unlucky Shondelle Alivia. Yes, parents, go right ahead and make up a first name and then burden the child with a misspelled middle name just to make sure she doesn’t find a means of escape.

Irritable vowel

Imijin
Hey parents - what did the other vowels ever do to you?

Melainy
Poor spellers or PSW?

Melyse Shanae

Indya
No matter how you spell it, it's still a country

Palenzuela

Baillee
More is not always better

Beaudi LeBreton
Um...

Sonny Jay

Khaelen brother for Krystle, Kendall and Aaron Junior

Caylee Jai sister for Caitlin and Caleb
Are we sensing a theme yet?

Ruairidh (Rua-Ree) Hoot
Look - they even put pronunciation instructions in the birth notice. At least they anticipate some trouble...Though it's the second name that bothers me

And uli said...maybe they think having him is a hoot? or they spent a lot of time at hooters? or he looks like an owl

Jaxyn
PSW

Jaymz
Oh dear god

Temika Angel

Kennedy Jamieson
BTW, that was a *girl* - could you tell?

Lily-J
Shouldn't there be another letter there?

Why?

Today we have an invasion of creative spelling.

Klarissa. Way to make her name appear classy there parents.

Ayden. What the hell was wrong with the "i"? Why do so many people have a problem with the humble "i"?

Charli. A girl. I can understand Charlie as a nickname. I can even understand the parents knowing that's what she'd wind up being called so just opting to name her Charlie instead of Charlotte. But Charli? Why?

Then we have young Dashiell. Not unheard of as a name, especially not since Cate Blanchett recently returned it to some type of prominence. But this new young Dash is nevertheless going to have a hard time explaining why Mum and Dad felt the need to pair an unusual name such as Dashiell with the middle name Texas. I suppose it could have been worse. Instead of Dashiell Texas he could have been Texas Dashiell.

Finally we have one of those names that give the distinct impression that the parents just couldn't decide between a number of different names, so they just slapped them all together. Zataliah. Bonus points for getting the "z" in there parents.

Dire predictions

From the birth announcements in the local paper...

Nastaskia you just know she's going to be 'Nasty'

Tarkyn as in the otter?

Niquita Rechelle struck by the pretentious spelling wand (henceforth to be known as the PSW)

Tinka-Belle ...words fail me...

Diesel

Are you a Tree or an Alcoholic Beverage?

As remi noted, inspired by the bad baby names site, she has been collecting lists of the horrible names parents give their children for some time now, and sharing them with me for appropriate amounts of ridicule.

After all, don’t the parents deserve a little of the ridicule they are inevitably inflicting on their children? All in the cause of our amusement, of course.

However, despite our ongoing conversations about such things over a couple of years, all of it seemed a little abstract to me. Names took on the “that has to be made up” character of so much web content. Particularly as our friends have, on the whole, been naming their children actual names and spelling them traditionally.

But then remi started spending more time around schools with actual, verifiable, met face-to-face children featuring monikers like Versace. And suddenly all the outrageous, must-be-made-up, horrors seemed not only possible but probable.

And a quick trip to the birth announcements in the local paper only reinforces the point.

So, with that background, we have today’s winners in the “what the hell were they thinking?!?” stakes:

Arden
A girl. Perhaps named with the hope that an inevitable association with Elizabeth Arden would lead to beauty, or perceptions thereof? Or was it a typo and they were aiming for a more elfin name?

Ceider
Also a girl. Cider? Sayder? Cedar? Kayder? So many possibilities. So many years to explain, over and over again, how to pronounce it, how to spell it and why her parents felt it necessary to burden her with it.

And our first lot of girls' names

Karma: how to guarantee she won't have any

Ferguson: yes, this *is* her first name

Rawinia

Argelique

Shontelle

Ketryna

Kartya

Nishita

Nashata

Ella-Mac (Fearson): no, it's not funny

To get the ball rolling...unenviable boys' names

Obie: I once knew a cat callled Obie. On a cat, it was cute. On an adolescent, not so much.


Romy: His parents really wanted a girl?


Versace


Tudor


Mace: Anyway you look at it, this kid is in for trouble.

Inspired by the example of Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing: A Primer on Parent Cruelty I have been collecting examples of names to give your children if you want them to be mercilessly teased at school.

So here are some of the gems, gleaned mainly from secondary schools in Victoria. They usually fall into these broad categories:

• the apparently random spellings, including the attack of the Y/K/Q virus
• the pretentious (often linked to the random spellings)
• the unfortunate juxtapositions (honestly people, think how that name will sound followed by your surname)
• the others - weird/unfortunate/just don't know what they were thinking.